Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Relationships
We come into this world totally dependent on our caregivers. Our first years of life instruct us on what love feels like and how to be in relationships. The staying power of adverse childhood experiences plants seeds that grow into adulthood making it difficult to maintain safe and stable relationships. This isn’t the case for all, but it is for some.
Bonding + Attachment
We’re hardwired for connection. The quality of attachment you experienced with your caregivers sets a baseline for how you feel and act in intimate relationships. Children whose feelings were ignored, minimalized or punished find themselves as adults struggling to recognize their own emotions and that of others. Attachment trauma is linked to emotionally unavailable, abandoning or abusive caregivers.
Single + Repeated Trauma
Trauma is something that overwhelms your system and brings feelings of extreme powerlessness. Trauma frequently happens to us in relationships. If you experience repeated trauma, it makes trusting others difficult. It’s not only what you experienced or witnessed, it’s what you had to do in order to function and survive.
Single trauma incidents generally have a start and finish; the survivor can reach safety and start the restoration process. For example, accidents or natural disasters. For the most part, these are public so others know about it: there is community and acceptance.
Complex trauma is experiencing or witnessing repeated incidents. This tends to happen to us in relationships. It may frequently start in childhood or adolescence, taking place in secret. Examples can be abuse, neglect, domestic violence or chronic misattunement. The individual often is afraid or unable to talk about it or to reach out to get help.
Attunement + Misattunement
Attunement is when we feel heard and seen. It fosters feelings of safety and deepens intimacy within relationships. It is deliberately allowing our internal state to resonate with the inner world of another.
Children experiencing chronic misattunement can have difficulty in identifying emotions, reject their own needs and feel that they don’t matter.
Misattunement can move us from feeling safe and secure into a trauma response – flight, fight or freeze. This is when our needs are not noticed, reflected or met. When it’s a repeated occurrence we may shut-down and disconnect.
Rupture + Repairs
Rupture is a breakdown in connection. Sometimes we think it’s easier to pretend something didn’t happen or just move forward as some have seen and experienced many ruptures in childhood, but never witnessed a repair.
Consider the rupture an invitation to build intimacy
Repairs can start simply by saying I’m sorry I hurt you. Then name what happened, taking responsibility for your part and how it impacted the other person. Carefully listen to them. It’s a process so together we understand what happened and find a way to move forward.
Healing + Restoration
There is an old defense mechanism to re-enacting and remembering so you feel you protect yourself from it happening again. There was a time when there was neither space nor safety to allow processing. What happened to you then is as important now as it was back then. You may discover that unconsciously you have been re-enacting patterns that you experienced in childhood which are now harming your intimate relationships.
Don’t let trauma dictate your life choices
Living with unresolved childhood trauma can feel overwhelming, exhausting, and that you have to do it alone. Learning how to recognize healing your trauma isn’t about making it disappear, it’s about allowing part of yourself to become visible and welcomed back into life.
Calming Notes
Trauma can feel overwhelming and can often ambush us. If you need to calm your mind and body below are some strategies to bring clearness and clarity back.
Take a breath: inhale through your nose and out through your mouth. Do it until you feel calmer and more centred.
Take your eyes: look in another direction. Walk out of the room. Go outside. Change your focus.
Take a hand: put one hand over your heart chakra and place your other hand on your belly. Your system starts to settle. Your breath calms. You experience more clarity.
Take your shoulders: sit up tall and take a breath and drop your shoulders. Focus on bringing your shoulder blades together and then gently release. Take a few deep breaths.
Take a walk: get some space and clear your head. It will allow more calmness and understanding to enter.
