Evolving Relationships and Trauma
Those who are closest to us, the ones we feel safe and loved with, can create the ideal conditions that allow for new growth and transformation.
On good days we might look at our partners and say thank you for helping me grow. The days when our partner is angry, unreasonable or distant: that’s our challenge. Perhaps it makes us touch into something WE don’t want to feel and maybe we blame our partner for how we now feel.
Out or In
I often hear this question with clients: “Should I stay or Should I go?” This question means that I have no clarity.
Unable to sense or feel myself: and sends me deep into my mind, losing myself in endless thought.
When this occurs, it is not about the relationship… it’s about ‘me’ being unable to ‘feel’ my relationship.
If you’ve done a lot of work and still the question keeps surfacing then contemplate: am I receiving enough in this relationship? Is it sufficient to make what I am missing alright with me? No maybe you’re done. Yes maybe you’re not.
Experiences
Could childhood trauma affect some or all of your relationships, especially your intimate partnerships? Will being born into a traumatized family system also have an influence on how you relate with others? Could this steer you to think you do not deserve to be loved or happy?
We impact each other every day through our thoughts, actions, and how we live. We’re content and happy when living in harmony with our true nature and connected with others.
If you’ve experienced trauma there can be an inner need to feel safe and cared for, particularly in your relationships.
Traumatized or shadow parts often create internal chaos that misinterprets what your partner is able to offer.
Maybe they were also traumatized whether they are conscious of it or not.
Trauma creates fragmentation and distorts how you each perceive and receive from each other.
If you experienced trauma it can feel that you’ve been betrayed: feelings of abandonment, pain and vulnerability. It’s important to remember we all come from different backgrounds, experiences and family systems, and we may not even communicate in the same way. It’s crucial to communicate what you are feeling and not merely expect others ‘to know’.
Showing Up
What happens when we are triggered or activated? We have the functional adult part of us that has the ability to think, reason and make good decisions. We also have the fragmented part, the wounded child. This is the part of us that was on the receiving end and was flooded with trauma or neglect.
We all have days when we are triggered and it’s difficult to know what emotions we feel. One day it can be easy to identify, but other days not so easy to know what we feel at all. When I can’t feel myself it’s because my mind, emotions and my body are not one message anymore. Usually in these moments when we ‘don’t’ feel… we tend to think a lot.
Emotional Intimacy
Healthy relationships are about being with each other and being present and more emotionally available. Being present to another is to allow them to know you. Start with baby steps: sitting with uncomfortable feelings or difficult emotions instead of leaving, disassociating.
Life can be beautiful and magical: real life also contains sadness and challenges. Growing close to another can bring highs and lows and needs us to be willing to risk opening up to move forward.
