Human relationships are complex; boundaries are essential in sustaining healthy connections.  We can walk through life unconsciously repeating patterns.  Creating boundaries is essential to establishing our identity, giving us a sense of agency.  They are a vital strand in our overall wellbeing. 

Healthy Boundaries

Think of a boundary as a gentle, intelligent layer wrapped around a healthy cell, defending against toxicity and allowing nourishment in.  A healthy boundary simultaneously protects you while keeping you connected. 

• Boundaries act as a tool helping an individual feel safe, secure, respected and supported.  Creating healthy boundaries empowers and strengthens our relationships, rather than erecting walls. 

• A healthy boundary occurs when you sense yourself, your needs and are able to communicate them.  Boundaries separate your individual experiences, thoughts and feelings from those of someone else, and help you make decisions based on what is right for you. 
  

Most people are not trying to violate your boundaries … they may not know what they are.  Often, we have been unclear with ourselves about our needs.  If we want people to respect our boundaries, we must remember to respect theirs.

Unhealthy Boundaries

Dysfunctional boundaries have typically been learned in childhood.  They cause emotional distress leading to depression, anxiety, dependency.  Rigid boundaries isolate you.  It is important to get an understanding of what unhealthy boundaries are.  Learning this difference is an important.

1. An injured boundary could be where we are too open and overshare personal details:  no filters, one-sided conversations and get over-involved in other people’s problems.
   

2. Individuals with porous boundaries tend to feel uncomfortable setting limits with others.  Eager to please and find themselves saying yes to things that they don’t want to do, fearing rejection if they don’t conform.  This can lead to feeling anxious, exhausted, burnt out.
   

3. With rigid boundaries you’re likely to have few intimate relationships and more comfortable keeping people at a safe distance.  Isolating when you actually need support, unable to reach out.  Avoiding conflict that naturally arises in any relationship.  Using rigid rules and demands to push people away.  Feeling lonely and disconnected.
   

If we were not taught to create healthy boundaries, we may have learned to ignore our own self value as well as others.  Know that what has been learned can always can be unlearned. 

Setting Boundaries

You need to decide what you need and want from others.  This requires honesty. Each of us has our own set of unique boundaries.  To identify yours reflect on situations you felt hurt, overlooked, taken advantage of, resentful, exhausted, jealous, overwhelmed or judgmental.  

1. Listen to the Body

Tuning into our bodies always gives us information about our borders.  Your neck is tight, fist clenched, teeth gritted.  Can’t sit still.  A pit in your stomach.  Something in your throat.  Or feeling more space, tingling, pulsing, ease, streaming and calm.  Honour what your body is transmitting and take a pause, sit with what’s happening and see what unfolds next. 

2. Always use “I” Statements

You use the word “I” to share how you feel and what you need.  Own it.  Boundaries are about you – not others.  Focusing your statement on you helps remove any sense of blame, so the other person does not get defensive.  They will be more open to listen.  Using I statements allows you to express yourself and how you feel without hurting or attacking the other person.

3. Befriend No

Whoever said saying no is selfish or rude was wrong.  Being free to say no lets you take ownership and control of your relationships.  It lets others know what you’re willing and unwilling to do.  Be aware that when you do say no it will probably make some people annoyed, uncomfortable, even a little mad.  You are not responsible for other people’s activation or reaction to your boundaries.  They are.  Give yourself permission to include the word ‘no’ as part of your vocabulary.  Own it.

4. Don’t do it Alone

Life isn’t meant to be travelled alone.  Share it with people you trust and rely on to help you renegotiate old boundaries, maintain existing boundaries and to imagine new boundaries.  You may even need to reach out to a professional to help you make sense and navigate past and current relationships.  Discover new boundaries for future relationships helping to unpack the burdens and traumas you carry from your past.

With practice there is more ease and fluidity in setting and adjusting boundaries.  We are continually evolving boundaries in the natural flow of life.  Take time to reflect on one change you want.    What is one small step you can make? 

Healthy boundaries are part of self care and respect and foundational in your self leadership journey.